"Don't panic" in Hamburg

Warning: This post contains whole lot of complaining, whining, professional jargon and frustration. But perhaps also little bit of humour.

Once upon a time we had a guest performance on Kaltstart festival in Hamburg. They invited us and promised only fame and honor, no fortune. Fair enough, can do.

Getting there
It didn't start well. First of all, my flight from Basel was cancelled and I had to commute to Zürich on one of the hottest days of the whole summer, in a bus with no air conditioning whatsoever. Groovy, soaking in sweat and also hungry as hell. But no worries, the airline offered passengers some sandwiches, yippee. -Filled with cream-cheese and quark, just what my lactose-intolerance was yearning for. Pass. Still hungry as hell.

Eventually I arrived in Hamburg only some three hours delayed and went to see our venue in the evening. Hmmm, okay, for once the space seems bigger than in photos. But, there was no lamps of any kind and the console was baby-size Behringer-plaything. We'll worry about that in the morning, since there was nobody inquire.

Schulterblatt, St. Pauli

Equipment
We went to the theater already at 8:30 in the morning to hoist our stuff in. Set-up for the lights was supposed to strat at 10:00. This didn't perk such enthusiasm on the local crew, who slouched in during the following hour. I inquired politely the whereabouts about my equipment which was all okayed by the festival in forehand.

9 hours to showtime.

Crew: "What do you need?"
Minna: "The things that were listed on the email and are shown here on this light-plot"
Crew: "???  Oh, you have a light-plot, cool"
Minna: "??? Pheew, let's count together again... look."

Anyhow, we somehow reached an agreement on what they were supposed to deliver for our show and then the bozos head out to get the stuff. I usually mean by starting time, the time when the set-up actually starts, not the time when one starts to figure what one needs for the set-up. Please correct me, if I got this somehow wrong.

So, what I could do in the meantime was to wait. And I waited until 14:30 and then I thought it has taken long enough, because my requests were not so elaborate ones after all. I manage finally to track the crew down, only to find them drinking coffee at the downstairs cafeteria. 

Minna: "Could we somehow start soon, please? I'm getting bit nervous here?"
Crew: "Oh, you wanna start already? The stuff is over there in the van, you can bring it up yourself."
Minna: "???"

5,5 hours to showtime.

Kulturhaus III&70, our venue and festival center

Setting up
Eventually all the gear was up on the stage. It was not quite what was wished for. Out of 15 requested Par 64's, they delivered 2; one functional and the other without bulb and plug. The rest of the stuff was mostly unrecognizable. My 6 x 1kW Floodlight topwash is reduced to 2 x 500W, of whose only one works in the end. Profile square is just a unprecise splotch on the floor. Washes don't cover the whole floor no matter how you squint your eyes.

Minna: "Öööö, this looks a bit like Par 56, but it has a G9 bulb inside? What is this?
Crew: "????"
Minna: "How many watts you suppose it uses?
Crew: "Don't know. Maybe 500??"
Minna: "How cool is this."

The only possible way to go about it, was just to try to deal out the things so that I could create at least homehow all the necessary directions and colors of light and settle with the fact that it's gonna look hideous.

Rigging the fixtures took most of the afternoon, everything being more or less plugged in by 17:00, at the point where I had to release the only technician helping me to have some lunch. Finished the rigging on my own. During the rigging there was lots of running around to find nonexisting extension cords and nonexisting clamps. Hmm.

My directors start to get bit agitated and ask me if there will be show tonite. I instruct them to think of the cover of the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy; it says in big, friendly letters "Don't panic!"

3 hours to showtime.

Detail of the neighborhood no.1

Patching
When the technician was fed, he returned to me and we were supposed to do a hot patch on the dimmers, so that I can have my channel numbers to program with. At this point there was still a theoretical possibility for me to use Avab Cantor instead of the abovementioned Behringer. Main reason for this was that the Behringer can only do maximum 10-second fades, whereas the longest I needed was 3 minutes.

The method the technician used was not very efficient or fast, so after a half an hour and 5 patched channels, I suggested another approach since there was still almost 20 to go. At this point it comes clear that the dimmers don't work; -the light doesn't obey any number, not mine nor any other. To save time I back out of wanting my numbers, any number will do as long as it works. My technician runs to get help.

2 hours to showtime.

Around 19:15 most of the channels are somehow working and I have managed to do a very rough focusing while the guys are trying to find the missing channels. Some of the fixtures stay dead, there is bad cable or broken bulb, but no time or equipment to try to solve it. I back out wanting to do a sequence with programmed x-fades and decide to stick with the dumb Behringer, because I find out that the guys don't know how the Avab works.

Minna: "It is possible to program groups to submasters with Behringer?"
Crew: "Yes."
Minna: "It looks like a chaser should be very easy, since it's a disco-toy. Can you program one?"
Crew: "No, but give me two minutes, I'll figure it out. Its' no problem."

45 minutes to showtime.

Programming
The technicians post themselves behind the Behringer and start to figure the console out. I give them a list of 7 submasters that I absolutely need to survive the live-action-rock'n roll-show.

After a while one of the guys is beating the console and the other is reading the f***ing manual. The console don't work. Why I am not surprised at this point?

15 minutes to showtime.

Console still not working.

Detail of the neighborhood no.2

15 minutes past the supposed showtime.

Crew: "Now we think we got it for you! Please check."
Minna: "Not quite."
Crew: "Aaarghhh."

25 minutes past the supposed showtime.

Submasters are finally somewhat right, I have no chaser(s) and I'm not quite sure what is on the upper bank of the console, but I ask for the audience to be admitted in. i would figure it out as we go. "Let's rock'n roll!"

30 minutes past the supposed showtime.

We're finally on. And the show turns out to be one of the best we ever had, at least what comes to energy and mood. although, I have to admit that simulating a chaser of duration of 7 minutes by pumping submasters up and donw, is bit exhausting, when the temp is likely over 40 degrees Celsius. And that 3-minute upfade is not so smooth with Behringer submasters. I have to update our technical rider and state that Behringer and Eurolite are not wanted.

But the funniest thing in the end probably is, that I took a whole roll of Lee 201 with me, wishing to be properly prepared to use multiple 500W Floods (which were promised) instead 1kWs. The filter was the only thing that the folks at the festival had plenty of!

To live is to learn.

Bunker on Feldstrasse

After the show we just fast grabbed our gear and headed out for well-earned beer. Who needs to eat anyway? I had breakfast at 8:00 in the morning at the hotel, right =)

01:00 am.

Some of us ended up finishing the evening on top of the Bunker (courtesy of the set of keys the technical director of the festival has), sipping beer and admiring the 360deg city panorama. Finally unwinding.